


Dude! Where's My Universe?

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-16
Updated: 2006-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 21:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8073964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Hoshi is thrown into the Comedy Universe and ends up on board the Would-be Evil Enterprise!  Will she survive and make it home?  Or will she die laughing?  Mild R/S.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: A little April Foolâ€™s tale for you I wrote a while back inspired by all the Mirror Universe promos. Thanks to Kathy Rose for the lightening fast beta, some absolutely hilarious suggestions for the mis-en-scene and for generally egging me on. Maybe mild spoilers for Affliction, and the MU episodes (but nothing you probably didn't already know about from TOS).  
  
Disclaimer time! Not mine. Paramountâ€™s/Bermagaâ€™s/the former UPN's. Why did you cancel, why, why? *Sad sigh*. Naught but my ego profits from this venture, and that assumes I get positive feedback.  


* * *

*****

Hoshi and Malcolm walked together to the transporter platform, their mission on the planet Krishnar complete. Because all of the cities on Krishnar were covered by closed domes, the only way in and out was using the transporter, much to Hoshiâ€™s discomfort.

â€œThanks for coming with me, Malcolm,â€ said Hoshi. â€œThe transporter makes me so nervous.â€

â€œIâ€™ll never let anything happen to you, Hoshi,â€ Malcolm replied. He avoided her eyes when she looked over at him. Malcolm had been increasingly attentive of late and Hoshi was beginning to wonder if there was more to his feelings than friendship.

They stepped up onto the platform together. Hoshi took a deep breath.

â€œReady?â€ Malcolm asked.

â€œReady,â€ Hoshi confirmed.

Malcolm signaled the transport chief. Hoshi heard the whine of the system and felt her body begin to tingle.

\- - -

Capt. Jonathan Archer of Imperial Starfleet strode manfully onto the bridge. He adjusted the large gold sash he wore over the open green vest which â€“ he thought â€“ flattered his green eyes. His eyes narrowed at the sight on the viewscreen: a Klingon ship dead ahead. Then he remembered that narrowing his eyes might give him unsightly lines, so he quickly readjusted his look to mean-but-not-squinty.

â€œOpen a channel,â€ Archer barked.

A beep let him know the channel was open.

â€œKlingon vessel,â€ said Archer forcefully. â€œThis is the Starship Enterprise of the Imperial Terran Empire. State your business or be destroyed!â€

A face popped onto the view screen, making Archer jump. A Klingon! He readjusted his sash and stared balefully at the alien.

â€œGreetings, Enterprise,â€ said the face pleasantly. He spoke in Klingon. â€œI am Dumark. I have a delivery for you from Earth.â€

Archer turned around to his bridge staff and made a slashing motion across his throat. The channel closed.

â€œI didnâ€™t understand what he said, but it sounded threatening,â€ said Archer. â€œRecommendations?â€

â€œRepeat our demand to let him know weâ€™re serious,â€ suggested Cmdr. Malcolm Reed.

â€œYes,â€ agreed Lt. Charles Tucker. â€œAnd say it louder so heâ€™ll understand.â€

Archer nodded and the channel opened again.

â€œKLINGON VESSEL!â€ he yelled. â€œSTATE YOUR BUSINESS IMMEDIATELY OR WE WILL DESTROY YOU!â€

The Klingon held his hands up in a placating gesture and forwarded a text message to Enterprise.

Looking down, Reed read the message that appeared on his console.

â€œSir,â€ he said. â€œThe Klingons wish to deliver a package for us from Imperial Starfleet.â€

â€œHah!â€ said Archer. â€œAnother alien race reduced to being our lackeys. Tell them to beam it over. I want you to oversee the delivery personally, Reed.â€

â€œYes, sir,â€ Reed responded. He sent a text message response to the Klingon ship, then headed for the transporter room.

The Klingon waved benignly to Archer and closed the channel muttering, â€œIdiot Terrans! How did they ever get out in space?â€

Archer sat in the command chair, satisfied that the Klingons held Imperial Starfleet in all of the awe the empireâ€™s enforcement arm was due.

\- - -

As Hoshi rematerialized on Enterprise, she giggled. Since when did the transporter tickle? 

Looking around, her amusement faded quickly, however. The transporter room seemed darker. The doors slid open and a familiar figure walked in â€“ Malcolm Reed.

The armory officer sported a tight, back leather outfit. He had a knife lashed to one thigh and a phase pistol to the other. Hoshi wondered how Malcolm had managed to get here first and change clothes. Not that she was complaining about the tight leather.

â€œMalcolm, what are you wearing?â€ asked Hoshi quizzically.

Reed drew his phase pistol and aimed it at her.

â€œWho are you?â€ he demanded. â€œWhere is the package from Imperial Starfleet?â€

â€œWhat are you talking about?â€ Hoshi asked. â€œImperial Starfleet? Are you playing a joke on me?â€

Reed reached up to platform and, grabbing Hoshiâ€™s arm, pulled her down roughly.

â€œThis is no joke,â€ he hissed, pushing his phase pistol into her ribs.

Hoshi gasped. Something was very wrong.

â€œYou must be a Klingon spy!â€ Reed exclaimed. â€œYouâ€™re coming with me to the bridge.â€

As Reed dragged her along to the turbolift, Hoshi looked around at the corridor. It was a very dark grey, and the lighting was far dimmer than what she was used to.

My God, Hoshi thought. Where am I?

\- - -

Reed shoved Hoshi onto the bridge in front of him. The more she thought about it, the odder this Enterprise seemed. If he really thought she was a spy, why was Malcolm taking her to the bridge of all places? And letting her go first having failed to check her for weapons?! Even she knew, from a tactical standpoint it was an asinine move.

The scene on the bridge stunned Hoshi further. Captain Archer, sporting a garish gold sash, sat sprawled in the command chair. To the side stood Trip, wearing tight black pants and an open-necked blue shirt. A black patch covered his right eye. Tâ€™Pol was nowhere to be seen.

â€œWhoâ€™s this?â€ said Archer sharply as he spotted Hoshi.

â€œA Klingon spy,â€ spat Reed. â€œThey were supposed to beam over a box from Imperial Starfleet, but instead we got her.â€

â€œReally, now?â€ said Archer. Hips swinging, he strode toward Hoshi.

Hoshi furrowed her brow as she watched him approach. Was he trying to be sexy or something? Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Trip approaching from the other side, imitating Archerâ€™s hip swing.

â€œI suggest you tell us who you are,â€ said Archer, leaning down to look her in the eye. â€œOtherwise things will get unpleasant.â€

â€œIâ€™m Hoshi Sato,â€ said Hoshi carefully. â€œIâ€™m an ensign on Enterprise, specializing in Communications.â€

Archer signaled Tucker and Reed, and the two men closed in so Hoshi was surrounded.

â€œLetâ€™s try that again,â€ said Archer dangerously. â€œWho are you?â€

â€œI told you who I am!â€ yelled Hoshi. The men jumped back. â€œIâ€™m Ensign Sato of Enterprise. Iâ€™m from an alternate universe and Iâ€™m here by accident. I just want to go home!â€

As she watched, Archerâ€™s face crumbled.

â€œWell you donâ€™t have to scream at me,â€ he said. With a sob, he ran for his ready room.

Hoshiâ€™s jaw dropped as she watched him flee.

â€œThat was really mean,â€ said Tucker, crossing his arms and glaring at Hoshi.

She looked over at Reed, who looked back at her with a raised eyebrow.

â€œMaybe I should go and apologize?â€ Hoshi suggested.

â€œThat would be a start,â€ said Tucker.

â€œOooooooo-kay,â€ said Hoshi slowly. She turned and headed for the ready room, glancing back at Reed and Tucker, who made no move to stop her. With an internal shrug, she rang the chime.

â€œCome in,â€ a miserable voice sounded from inside. 

The door slid open and Hoshi walked in. She saw Archer huddled in the chair behind his desk, stroking a stuffed animal which looked like a dog as he flipped through a book.

â€œCaptain?â€ Hoshi asked.

â€œYes,â€ Archer responded with a sniffle.

â€œIâ€™m very sorry I yelled, sir,â€ said Hoshi carefully. â€œI was just ... very intimidated by the situation. I promise not to do it again.â€

Archer looked up at her.

â€œCross your heart?â€ he asked with another sniffle.

â€œAbsolutely,â€ said Hoshi. â€œUm, would you like a tissue, sir?â€

â€œYes, please,â€ said Archer.

Hoshi brought over a box of tissues from a side table and placed them on his desk. Archer blew his nose loudly as Hoshi took a seat. He still looked unhappy.

â€œWhat are you reading?â€ asked Hoshi gently, figuring some conversation might ease the tension.

After a momentâ€™s hesitation, Archer slid his book over to Hoshi so she could see. She smiled as she reached for the book and he gave her a small smile back.

â€œStarship Leadership for Dummies,â€ Hoshi read aloud, looking at the title. Opening the book, she looked at the chapter titles. â€œChapter One,â€ she continued to read. â€œAnimal Stories as a Way to Motivate Your Crew.â€

Glancing up at Archer, Hoshi saw him looking at her expectantly.

â€œThis looks like a good book,â€ she said.

Archer beamed back at her.

â€œI really am sorry I yelled at you,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œThatâ€™s all right,â€ said Archer. â€œI yell, too, sometimes. No one has ever yelled back before. Youâ€™re pretty tough. Youâ€™d probably be an admiral in our universe.â€

Hoshi smiled at the compliment.

â€œCaptain to the bridge!â€ Reedâ€™s voice sounded over the comm. â€œAlien ship approaching!â€

Archer jumped up from his seat and wiped his face.

â€œDo I look OK?â€ he asked Hoshi.

â€œYou look great,â€ she assured him.

Archer strode back onto the bridge with Hoshi in his wake. On screen was a Vulcan officer. Hoshi recognized her as Tâ€™Pol.

â€œEnterprise,â€ said Tâ€™Pol in Vulcan. â€œThis is Commander Tâ€™Pol. We detected an unusual energy surge in this sector. Are you in need of assistance?â€

â€œPolarize the hull plating and arm weapons!â€ yelled Archer.

â€œWhy?â€ asked Hoshi.

â€œBecause while I didnâ€™t understand what she said, it sounded threatening,â€ explained Archer as Reed complied with his orders.

â€œEnterprise,â€ Tâ€™Pol said in Vulcan with a raised eyebrow. â€œYou have powered weapons. We mean you no harm. Please stand down or we will be forced to respond.â€

â€œLet me talk to her,â€ said Hoshi quickly. â€œPlease, Captain!â€

â€œAll right,â€ said Archer. â€œBut make it clear no one messes with the Terran Empire!â€

Taking a deep breath, Hoshi addressed Tâ€™Pol in Vulcan.

â€œCommander Tâ€™Pol, I apologize for the misunderstanding,â€ said Hoshi.

Glancing at Archer and the rest of the bridge crew, Hoshi saw stunned expressions on their faces.

â€œYou speak Vulcan,â€ Tâ€™Pol replied in a surprised tone.

â€œYes,â€ said Hoshi. â€œMy name is Hoshi Sato. I have somehow been transported here from an alternate universe. In my universe I serve as the lead Communications officer on Enterprise.â€ 

â€œYou are in charge of yelling at other species?â€ asked Tâ€™Pol.

â€œNot at all,â€ said Hoshi. â€œI can communicate in over forty languages, including Vulcan and Klingon. I also work with the Universal Translator in order to facilitate contact with new species.â€

â€œIn your universe, humans must be much more logical,â€ noted Tâ€™Pol.

â€œIâ€™m starting to think so,â€ agreed Hoshi. â€œWe certainly dress better.â€

â€œThat would not be difficult,â€ replied Tâ€™Pol with a quick glance at Archer. He puffed out his chest in response to her look.

â€œMy arrival may account for the energy reading you picked up,â€ said Hoshi. â€œDo you think you could help me find a way back to my universe?â€

â€œI agree with your assessment,â€ said Tâ€™Pol. â€œI believe we can assist you in finding a way back.â€ Glancing again at Archer and his oddly costumed bridge staff, she added, â€œIf you like, we would be happy to host you on our ship while we work on a solution.â€

â€œThank you, but I should remain here,â€ said Hoshi. â€œMy Enterprise is likely working on a way to retrieve me so I should stay close to the transporter here just in case.â€

â€œThat is logical,â€ said Tâ€™Pol. â€œI will contact you once I have more information on your situation. In the meantime, we also detected some fluctuation in your shipâ€™s warp core. Would you like some assistance from our engineering staff?â€

â€œLet me check on that,â€ said Hoshi. Switching to English, she looked at Archer.

â€œCaptain, the Vulcans detected an energy surge caused by my arrival. They just wanted to check and make sure you were all right.â€

â€œReally?â€ asked Archer in a confused tone. â€œThey werenâ€™t threatening us?â€

â€œNo, sir,â€ Hoshi replied. â€œThey believe they can help me find a way home but they need some time to work on it. They have also detected some problems with your warp core.â€

â€œTheyâ€™ve been scanning us!â€ hissed Reed.

â€œThey are just offering to help you find the problem and fix it,â€ said Hoshi soothingly.

â€œThe Vulcans are offering to share technology with us?â€ asked Tucker in an awed tone.

â€œEssentially, yes,â€ said Hoshi. â€œIf you approve, Captain, I can ask Commander Tâ€™Pol to send over some of her engineers to help.â€

â€œI approve!â€ said Archer in a commanding tone.

Hoshi relayed Archerâ€™s agreement to Tâ€™Pol, and Tucker went off to the transporter room to meet the Vulcan engineering team. Reed eyed Hoshi contemplatively.

â€œYou did well, Ensign Sato,â€ said Archer. â€œPerhaps you are worthy of remaining on board and assisting us while the Vulcans do their research.â€

Although Archerâ€™s voice sounded haughty, Hoshi caught the pleading look in his eye.

â€œIt would be an honor to assist Imperial Starfleet during my stay,â€ said Hoshi smoothly.

Archer smiled broadly and clapped her hard on the shoulder in a chummy way. Hoshi smiled back, then rubbed her shoulder as he walked to his ready room.

â€œIâ€™ll order quarters set up for you,â€ Archer said. â€œJoin the senior staff in the captainâ€™s mess for dinner.â€

â€œThank you, sir,â€ said Hoshi as the door to Archerâ€™s ready room closed.

\- - -

Reed strode down the hallway with purpose. His mission was to escort Hoshi to dinner and he intended to do it efficiently, as he did all things.

He was impressed with the woman. She stood up to the captain and made the Vulcans turn over valuable technology just by threatening them verbally. Finally, someone worthy of his attentions! Heâ€™d even arranged for a special uniform for her.

Arriving at her quarters, he rang the chime. Normally, heâ€™d barge in but Hoshi was worthy of his respect so he waited for the door to open. 

Entering, Reed noted with approval that Hoshi was wearing her new uniform of tight black leather. Now everyone would know she was ferocious and not to be trifled with.

â€œHi,â€ said Hoshi. â€œThe quartermaster told me you picked out this uniform for me?â€

â€œIt was no trouble,â€ said Reed. â€œNo need to thank me.â€ There! Now sheâ€™d know he respected her.

Hoshi nodded, giving him a skeptical look.

â€œI know,â€ said Reed. â€œThe uniform is incomplete. Here.â€ He thrust out his gift.

â€œItâ€™s a knife,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œYes,â€ Reed replied. â€œIt has a sheath you can strap to your thigh.â€ He indicated his own thigh where a similar larger knife was sheathed by way of example.

â€œUm, thank you, Commander,â€ said Hoshi, taking the knife. After a momentâ€™s hesitation, she strapped it onto her thigh.

â€œThe captain is waiting for us,â€ he said, indicating Hoshi should walk out ahead of him. As they approached the turbolift, he admired the knife on her thigh.

She looked radiant, thought Reed.

\- - -

Over the next two weeks, Hoshi helped Enterprise make productive contact with Klingons, Andorians and Tellarites. Each species shared information ranging from medical information to warp technology with the Imperial Starfleet ship. As a result, Archer was fast becoming the most respected captain in the fleet.

The crew was in awe of Hoshi. Tucker practically melted whenever she swung by Engineering to deliver the latest tech updates. Archer called her into his ready room constantly to seek her advice. Reed had practically attached himself to her. She was starting to think he had a crush on her in a strange kind of way.

First there were the gifts. The knife for her thigh. The tiny security override device that could unlock practically anything. A book on the history of Imperial Starfleet weaponry.

Heâ€™d tried to assign a pair of WBEEs to her for her security.

â€œWBEEs?â€ Hoshi had asked.

â€œThe combat troops assigned to the ship,â€ Reed replied proudly. â€œItâ€™s a sort of acronym for their slogan, â€˜We Be Bad.â€™â€

What isnâ€™t around here? thought Hoshi. 

Sheâ€™d politely declined the escort, saying she had complete confidence in his abilities as head of security to protect her.

After that Reed started showing up everywhere she went. 

When she delivered PADDs to Tucker in Engineering, Reed would saunter in. One time heâ€™d leaned in close to her, resting his hand on a table. Unfortunately it turned out to be an engineering experiment â€“ a table with all screws and supports removed â€“ so it collapsed under his weight.

When she arrived for a senior staff meeting, she found him leaning on the door waiting for her. Before he could say anything, the door slid open and he fell inside.

Both times he had executed a quick spin move to get himself righted and back on his feet. He explained smoothly that it was always important to be prepared for the unexpected, so he enjoyed the occasional surprise on the ship. 

Hoshi managed not to laugh until she got back to her cabin.

Finally, he started asking her to do things with him. The latest invitation had been to shooting practice. On arriving, Hoshi had discovered shooting practice was less about shooting targets and more about perfecting the art of gliding smoothly toward your target while aiming your gun and wearing really tight leather.

As she sat at her console on the bridge the next day, Hoshi saw Reed approaching her out of the corner of her eye.

â€œEnsign Sato,â€ Reed breathed as he leaned over her console with a smoldering look. At least thatâ€™s what Hoshi thought he was going for. â€œI wanted to let you know about the shipâ€™s annual hand-to-hand combat competition. Iâ€™ll be participating. Perhaps youâ€™d like to come and watch.â€

â€œHand-to-hand combat?â€ asked Hoshi. â€œWho can enter?â€

â€œAny member of the crew brave enough to take on the challenge,â€ said Reed with a confident smirk. 

â€œSign me up, then,â€ said Hoshi.

Reed looked confused. 

â€œExcuse me?â€ he asked.

â€œI have a black belt in aikido,â€ said Hoshi, continuing to work on the UT program in front of her. â€œIt might be fun to take part in the competition.â€

When Reed didnâ€™t respond, Hoshi glanced up at him. He was looking at her with utter adoration in his eyes.

â€œIâ€™ll enter your name as a combatant,â€ Reed said softly. â€œThe first round is tonight. Iâ€™ll see you there.â€ Turning on his heel, he headed for the turbolift. It would have been a smooth exit but for his tripping on the step on his way up to the â€˜lift.

Oh, dear, Hoshi thought to herself as she watched him go. What have I got myself into now? She turned back to the UT program.

At least he looks good in leather, she mused.

\- - -

The hand-to-hand combat competition lasted for three days. Hoshi noticed the competitors spent most of their time posturing, growling and making threats rather than actually fighting. 

When Hoshiâ€™s first round came up, she found herself facing off against one of the WBEEs. After five minutes of circling and listening to him go on and on about his fighting prowess, Hoshi muttered, â€œTo hell with this,â€ and executed a roundhouse kick. The WBEE dropped to the mat and lay still. The onlookers went silent in shock, then roared in approval as Hoshi left the mat to grab a drink of water.

Her successive rounds went fairly quickly, although she had to credit the woman she fought in her semi-final battle. There was a lot less posturing and more actual fighting skill, which was a pleasant surprise.

Hoshi hadnâ€™t been tracking the other rounds so she wasnâ€™t sure who sheâ€™d be fighting in the finals. Looking at the board on the wall of the gym â€“ known here as the Hall of Champions â€“ she saw with some trepidation sheâ€™d be going up against Reed.

Her Malcolm always stressed never to underestimate an opponent. Although Imperial Starfleet was generally pretty incompetent from what Hoshi had seen, this Reed was still the head of security and presumably to get to that position he had to have some fighting skills. He might beat her. On the other hand, if she beat him it might undermine his position severely. She wasnâ€™t sure she had the heart to do that to him. After all, heâ€™d been really nice to her in his own way. 

Taking a long drink of water, Hoshi pondered what she should do.

Suddenly, she sensed someone behind her. Turning her head slightly, she saw it was Reed.

â€œHoshi,â€ he murmured in her ear. 

She couldnâ€™t help the small shiver that went down her spine. After all, the accent *was* sexy.

â€œDespite your ... attachment to me, I wonâ€™t hold back,â€ Reed warned.

â€œMy attachment?â€ Hoshi asked, her brow furrowing.

â€œYou donâ€™t have to say anything,â€ said Reed. â€œI understand your attraction to me must make this difficult. But I respect you too much to fight you with anything less than my full strength. Youâ€™re a strong woman and you deserve the challenge.â€

â€œThank you,â€ said Hoshi, fighting back a smile. â€œI appreciate that very much.â€

â€œIâ€™ll see you in the Ring of Honor shortly,â€ Reed said before he moved away.

Minutes later, Hoshi and Reed squared off. 

Unlike the other combatants, Reed was silent and didnâ€™t brag as he and Hoshi circled each other. Hoshi attacked first, testing his defenses. He parried each of her blows skillfully.

Hmm, thought Hoshi.

Reed went on the attack next. Hoshi managed to deflect most of his attacks but he landed a few punches.

After a few more minutes of sparring, Hoshi decided that either way this should end quickly. She feigned left and then caught Reed with a right-handed straight punch directly in the face. She heard a pop and blood started flowing freely from his nose.

Crap, thought Hoshi.

Reed dropped to the mat, his legs flailing as he clutched his nose. Quickly, Hoshi placed herself in the path of a leg and let him knock her down.

â€œAaahh!!â€ she cried as she hit the mat.

Reed peeked at her from behind the hands on his face, then pounced on top of her prone form.

â€œDo you yield?â€ he asked nasally, one hand still clutching his nose.

â€œYes,â€ said Hoshi. â€œYou have bested me, Reed.â€

The crowd cheered Reed as he rose from the mat. Hoshi guessed few had ever drawn blood in past competitions, and certainly no one had been bloodied and come back to win. The looks on the faces in the crowd indicated Reed was a hero for doing so. Now she just had to make sure he got some medical attention.

Making a show of rising slowly from the mat, Hoshi turned to Reed.

â€œIt would be my honor to accompany the victor to sickbay and help tend his wounds personally,â€ she said loudly. 

That should let him get treatment but save face in front of the crowd, she thought.

Reedâ€™s gaze locked on to Hoshiâ€™s. His eyes gleamed.

â€œOf course, my beautiful warrior,â€ he replied quietly as he grasped her arm and pulled her with him toward sickbay.

Maybe I overdid that, Hoshi worried.

***

Reed sat on a biobed in sickbay staring at Hoshi. Such poise and fighting spirit! And the doctor said she had actually broken his nose before heâ€™d defeated her in combat! She was magnificent! Surely she would agree to accompany him to dinner.

He watched as Hoshi looked at all of the animals living in sickbay. Except for the single biobed on which Reed sat, every nook and cranny had a soft bed or small cage featuring one or more well-fed and well-groomed animals sleeping or playing in them.

â€œNot a lot of room for patients,â€ Hoshi observed.

â€œNot much need for it,â€ said Phlox as he wandered back from his office, humming happily. â€œVessels generally flee from us thanks to Commander Reed, so with no fights I donâ€™t get many patients.â€

Reed puffed his chest out proudly and Phlox continued his happy humming as he repaired the damage to Reedâ€™s nose.

â€œWhatâ€™s this?â€ asked Hoshi, fingering some equipment.

â€œThe Agony Booth,â€ replied Reed. â€œOne of my inventions.â€

â€œItâ€™s full of bats,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œYes,â€ said Phlox. â€œItâ€™s a perfect size for their family unit and they enjoy the vibrations.â€

â€œSo, you never use it?â€ Hoshi asked Reed.

â€œNo need,â€ he replied. â€œShips flee from us, so weâ€™ve had no occasion to torture prisoners.â€

â€œWell, itâ€™s good that you have it, I guess,â€ said Hoshi. â€œJust in case.â€

Brilliant, beautiful and she recognized tactical wisdom, thought Reed. Yes, he would ask her to dinner and then ask her the most important question of all.

\- - -

Hoshi sat in her quarters, drumming her fingers on her desk. Tâ€™Pol had contacted her and let her know the Vulcan scientists had made significant progress. She was to contact Hoshi shortly with the details. As amusing as this trip to an alternate universe had been, Hoshi was eager to get home. Besides, everyone on her Enterprise had to be worried about her. Especially poor Malcolm.

The door chime rang, breaking into her thoughts.

â€œCome in,â€ she called just as her comm beeped.

Reed walked in. Hoshi waved him over as she answered the comm. For Malcolmâ€™s benefit, she hooked in the UT so he could understand the conversation with Tâ€™Pol even if it was in Vulcan.

â€œGreetings, Ensign Sato,â€ said Tâ€™Pol as her face came on the console screen. â€œI have good news. Our scientists have determined a way to return you to your universe. I am forwarding the specifications for transporter modifications you will need to make in order to affect the return journey.â€

Data began downloading to Hoshiâ€™s computer.

â€œThank you, Tâ€™Pol,â€ said Hoshi. â€œIâ€™m so grateful.â€

â€œIt has been our pleasure to assist you,â€ replied Tâ€™Pol. â€œAre you certain you would not like to have our engineers oversee the modifications?â€

â€œNo, thanks,â€ said Hoshi. â€œTucker can handle everything on this end.â€

â€œVery well,â€ said Tâ€™Pol. â€œLive long and prosper, Hoshi Sato.â€ The screen changed to the standard Imperial Starfleet logo.

Hoshi turned in her seat toward Reed, smiling excitedly.

â€œIâ€™ll be able to go home soon!â€ she exclaimed. â€œIsnâ€™t that great?â€

Her smile faded as she saw the look on Reedâ€™s face. He looked like he was going to cry. He sat down heavily on her bunk.

Hoshi moved to sit next to him.

â€œReed, whatâ€™s wrong?â€ she asked gently.

â€œI was going to ask you to dinner,â€ he replied miserably.

â€œWe can still have dinner, Reed,â€ said Hoshi, a friendly hand on his shoulder. â€œIt will take some time to get the transporter adjusted.â€

In a flash, Reed fell to his knees in front of Hoshi.

â€œPlease stay, Hoshi,â€ he begged. â€œI ... I want you to marry me.â€

â€œWhat?!â€ asked Hoshi. 

â€œYouâ€™re beautiful and strong. Everyone respects you. Youâ€™re the most amazing woman Iâ€™ve ever met.â€

â€œBut ... but,â€ Hoshi stuttered. â€œWe barely know each other. And we havenâ€™t even slept together.â€

Reedâ€™s ears went very red and he avoided Hoshiâ€™s gaze.

â€œReed?â€ she prompted.

â€œI canâ€™t sleep with you,â€ he said in a small voice. â€œWeâ€™re not married.â€

Hoshiâ€™s jaw dropped.

â€œWait a minute,â€ she said. â€œAre you telling me youâ€™ve never...? With anyone?â€

Reed shook his head.

â€œWow,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œWell, itâ€™s different for men!â€ Reed cried defensively. â€œWomen can do whatever they want, but if a *man* sleeps with someone before heâ€™s married heâ€™s used goods and no one wants him.â€

OK, thatâ€™s a new one, thought Hoshi.

â€œIâ€™m sorry,â€ said Hoshi, leaning forward to touch his cheek. â€œI didnâ€™t mean to upset you. I think itâ€™s wonderful youâ€™re waiting.â€

â€œBut you donâ€™t want me,â€ he said miserably.

â€œOh, Reed,â€ said Hoshi with a sigh. â€œI canâ€™t stay. I need to go home to my universe. I promise youâ€™ll find someone special who belongs here with you.â€

Reed sniffled in response.

â€œI should go,â€ he said quietly.

He rose and headed for the door.

â€œPlease, just ... think about it?â€ Reed pleaded, looking back at Hoshi as he left.

Hoshi slumped against the wall. Glancing down, she spotted a single red rose lying on the bed next to her. Poor Reed must have brought it, she realized.

What a mess! The sooner she got home the better.

***

Hoshi still felt bad as she headed toward Engineering with the specs Tâ€™Pol had sent. She knew she needed to get back to her Enterprise, but a small part of her wanted to stay. 

Here, she was wildly popular, and a valued advisor and confidant to the captain. Not that her Captain Archer didnâ€™t value her but this Archer relied on her for much more than just translation or diplomacy issues. He consulted her on all sorts of shipâ€™s business. First contacts always went smoothly. Aliens were pleasantly surprised at her ability to communicate and everyone in this universe wanted to share technology first and shoot never. It was much less stressful.

And when Hoshi was really honest with herself, the idea of deflowering the utterly devoted Reed and molding him into her ideal mate appealed to a dark part of her. 

This universe seemed devoid of true greed and other dark desires. If Hoshi were ambitious, she could probably take over Enterprise, maybe even the Terran Empire. That alone was reason enough for her to go home. Despite her best efforts, she feared sheâ€™d infect this universe with the negative aspects of her own whether she meant to or not.

Entering Engineering, Hoshi scanned the room for Tucker. She spotted him working on a tricorder in his office.

â€œRed wire?â€ he mused, glancing down at a book. â€œNo. The blue wire goes here.â€

â€œHi, Tucker,â€ said Hoshi, interrupting his musings.

â€œHi, Hoshi,â€ said Tucker, turning to greet her with a huge smile. Hoshi noticed him set down his copy of Starship Engineering for Dummies. He had been reviewing Chapter Five: AC and DC are Different.

Hoshi also noticed his eye patch was covering his left eye today.

Maybe she should take up Tâ€™Pol on her offer to help, thought Hoshi.

â€œUm, Tucker?â€ she asked, tapping under her right eye.

â€œOh!â€ he said, realizing what she meant. He quickly shifted the patch back to the correct eye. â€œI forgot which side to cover when I got dressed this morning.â€

â€œWhy do you wear the patch when you donâ€™t need it?â€ asked Hoshi.

â€œIf I look tough like Reed, people will respect me,â€ said Tucker. â€œAnd an eye patch looks pretty tough, ya gotta admit!â€

â€œPeople do respect you, Tucker,â€ said Hoshi. 

â€œYou think so?â€ he asked.

â€œAbsolutely,â€ said Hoshi firmly. â€œYouâ€™re the chief engineer on a starship. Thatâ€™s a very impressive accomplishment.â€

Tucker squirmed with pleasure at the praise.

â€œIn fact, I have a very important project I need your help with,â€ said Hoshi. â€œTâ€™Pol sent me specs for some transporter modifications that the Vulcans believe can get me home. She offered to help but I said you could handle it.â€

â€œReally?â€ breathed Tucker, his eyes wide. â€œYou trust me to take care of it?â€

â€œOf course I do,â€ said Hoshi. â€œYouâ€™re a great engineer.â€

Tucker hurled himself at her and pulled her into a bear hug.

â€œThank you,â€ he said meekly.

Hoshi hugged him back.

â€œI guess I can get rid of the eye patch now,â€ said Tucker, releasing her. â€œMaybe I can grow a goatee?â€ he asked Hoshi.

â€œI bet it would look great,â€ said Hoshi. She handed him a PADD with the information Tâ€™Pol had sent her.

â€œIâ€™ll get to work on this right away, Hoshi,â€ said Tucker.

â€œThanks,â€ said Hoshi, hoping she wouldnâ€™t regret her leap of faith.

***  
Later, on the bridge, Hoshi sat at her console watching Reed sulk. He punched buttons in a lackluster manner and emitted loud sighs every few minutes.

Suddenly, Hoshiâ€™s panel lit up.

â€œCaptain,â€ she reported. â€œWeâ€™re receiving a distress call from a freighter. They wandered into an asteroid storm and took heavy damage.â€

â€œSo ... we should change course to intercept?â€ asked Archer quietly.

Hoshi nodded. Archer gave Hoshi a small thumbs-up, then returned to his manly pose.

â€œHelm!â€ he boomed. â€œPlot an intercept course. Letâ€™s see what we can do to help.â€

Enterprise soon reached the ship, which was still trapped amongst the asteroids.

Archer glanced over at Hoshi.

â€œWe could use the grapplers to pull the ship out of danger,â€ she suggested quietly.

â€œReed!â€ yelled Archer. â€œDeploy the grapplers. Latch onto that ship and letâ€™s pull them out of there!â€

The bridge crew looked at their captain, in awe of his latest brilliant idea.

As Enterprise towed the freighter to safety, Hoshi received another message.

â€œIncoming message from the freighter, Captain,â€ said Hoshi. â€œShall I put it on main viewer?â€

Archer nodded. Hoshi pressed a button and another familiar face appeared on the viewscreen.

â€œEnterprise, this is Travis Mayweather. Weâ€™re grateful for your assistance.â€

â€œItâ€™s always a pleasure to help Imperial citizens,â€ replied Archer.

â€œWe need your help with another matter,â€ said Mayweather. â€œWe were transporting a VIP to Imperial Starfleet headquarters on Earth when the asteroid shower hit. They need her there ASAP, but itâ€™s going to take some time for us to make full repairs. Iâ€™m sending over her dossier now.â€

Hoshiâ€™s eyes widened as she looked at the information flowing across her screen.

â€œHoshi?â€ asked Archer quietly.

â€œWe should take her to Earth, sir,â€ she replied. â€œThis is someone you definitely want on board.â€

â€œWeâ€™d be happy to assist your VIP passenger, Mayweather!â€ Archer shouted. â€œSend her on over! Archer out!â€

Hoshi winced. She *had* to get him to stop yelling. 

â€œSir, the VIP appears to be a language specialist,â€ said Hoshi. â€œIâ€™d be happy to meet her and debrief her if that would be helpful.â€

â€œYes, make it so, Ensign Sato!â€ yelled Archer.

Hoshi winced again.

â€œToo loud?â€ whispered Archer.

Hoshi nodded.

â€œSorry,â€ he mouthed.

\- - -

Hoshi looked at her counterpart as they sat across from each other in the observation lounge. 

Imperial Starfleet had realized how much more productive their interactions with other species had become since theyâ€™d stopped yelling and had started actually communicating with them. Knowing Hoshi was trying to get back to her own universe, Imperial Starfleet had decided to track down the Hoshi Sato of *this* universe in the hopes she was also a linguistic genius. Luckily, she was.

In fact, thought Hoshi, this other Hoshi was like her in pretty much every way. She certainly seemed a lot brighter than most of the folks in Imperial Starfleet.

They were almost finished with their briefing when, eyeing the other Hoshiâ€™s tight red leather outfit, Hoshi got an idea.

â€œHoshi,â€ said Hoshi to the of-this-universe Hoshi. â€œThereâ€™s someone Iâ€™d like you to meet.â€

She sent a quick text message via the comm system, and within moments Commander Reed arrived.

â€œHoshi Sato,â€ said the soon-to-be-homebound Hoshi, â€œMeet Commander Reed. Reed, meet Hoshi Sato.â€

Red leather-clad Hoshi rose and locked gazes with Reed.

â€œHello, Commanderâ€ she said shyly, a pretty blush staining her cheeks.

â€œHello,â€ said Reed, blinking rapidly. â€œPlease call me Malcolm.â€

Red leather-clad Hoshi smiled at black leather-clad Malcolm.

â€œIf youâ€™re free, Hoshi would like a tour of the ship,â€ said red-free Hoshi.

â€œIt would be my pleasure,â€ said Reed, holding his arm out to the other Hoshi.

As they left, Hoshi overheard Reed say, â€œYou know what would look wonderful with your outfit? A knife you can strap to your thigh.â€

Hoshi sighed in relief.

\- - -

A few days later, Tucker had completed his modifications to the transporter and they were ready to send Hoshi home. Archer and Tucker had given her repeated bear hugs during her big going away party. Reed had spent his time gazing into the eyes of the other Hoshi, who, equally smitten, had gazed right back.

As Hoshi stepped up onto the transporter pad, she was satisfied that, overall, she had been a good influence on this universe.

Before the transporter technician could begin the sequence to send her home, the doors opened and Reed strode in, his hands behind his back. With a nod of his head, he dismissed the technician.

â€œI wanted to say goodbye to you in person,â€ Reed said.

â€œIâ€™m glad you came by, Reed,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œIâ€™m happy for you that youâ€™re going home,â€ he said. â€œAnd I hope you understand that, while Iâ€™ll always treasure what we had, I think Iâ€™ve found true love at last, so Iâ€™m moving on.â€

Hoshi bit the inside of her cheek to keep from giggling.

â€œThank you, Reed,â€ she said. â€œI accept that this is the way things need to be. Iâ€™m happy for you, too.â€ Stepping down from the pad, she leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.

Reed blushed and shuffled on his feet.

â€œI brought you a goodbye present,â€ he said, holding out a yellow rose. â€œYellow roses mean friendship here.â€

â€œThey do in my universe, too,â€ Hoshi replied with a smile. â€œItâ€™s lovely. Thank you.â€

With that, Hoshi stepped back up onto the platform and Reed moved to the controls.

â€œReady?â€ he asked.

â€œReady,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œEnergizing,â€ said Reed, pressing a button.

Hoshi felt the ticklish sensation of the transporter and allowed herself to laugh in delight.

\- - -

â€œMalcolm, Iâ€™ve got her!â€ exclaimed Trip as Hoshi materialized.

Hoshi smiled at the familiar colors and lighting of her Enterpriseâ€™s transporter room. She was home!

â€œDarlin,â€™ we were worried about you!â€ exclaimed Trip. â€œYou were gone for hours!â€

â€œThatâ€™s odd,â€ said Hoshi as Trip enveloped her in a huge hug. â€œIt was weeks for me.â€

After a moment, Trip asked, â€œUm, Hoshi? What are you wearinâ€™?â€

Hoshi looked down at her black leather Imperial Starfleet uniform complete with knife strapped to her thigh.

â€œSouvenir,â€ she responded brightly. Looking over Tripâ€™s shoulder, she saw Malcolmâ€™s blue eyes, shining suspiciously with what might have been unshed tears.

â€œIâ€™m gonna let the captain know youâ€™re back,â€ said Trip. He gave her one last hug, then scampered out of the room.

Hoshi stepped off the platform and found herself enveloped by Malcolmâ€™s arms.

â€œI thought Iâ€™d lost you,â€ he choked.

â€œI came back,â€ said Hoshi. â€œIâ€™d never let anything happen to you.â€

Malcolm gave her a slightly teary smile, then composed himself.

â€œI arrived on the ship without incident, but instead of you we received a box,â€ said Malcolm, pointing to the corner.

Curious, Hoshi walked over and lifted the lid. Inside were several stuffed animals -- all dogs -- and several books, including â€œStarship Tactics for Dummies.â€

â€œHelp me get this onto the transporter pad,â€ said Hoshi. â€œLetâ€™s get it to where it needs to be.â€

They moved the box and Hoshi carefully placed the yellow rose on top before Malcolm activated the transporter controls. When he saw it, Reed would know sheâ€™d made it back safely.

â€œWhere did you go?â€ asked Malcolm as they left the transporter room and walked together to her quarters.

â€œIâ€™ll tell you over dinner,â€ said Hoshi. She noted with satisfaction that Malcolmâ€™s ears went pink.

â€œI was going to tell you about this when we got back from the planet,â€ said Malcolm, holding out a PADD. â€œI thought we could start a hand-to-hand combat competition to keep the crewâ€™s skills sharp.â€

Hoshi smiled, taking the PADD.

â€œYouâ€™re competing,â€ noted Hoshi, looking at the roster of participants.

â€œYes,â€ said Malcolm. â€œI was hoping, if youâ€™re interested, you might come and watch.â€ 

Hoshi wondered if Malcolm was thinking that, if he did something really spectacular, sheâ€™d see him as a man and not just as the tactical officer.

Arriving at her door, Hoshi turned and gave Malcolm a slow smile.

â€œI look forward to seeing you in the final round, Malcolm.â€

Malcolm gave her a pleased smile.

â€œIâ€™ll give you a call once Iâ€™ve changed, then we can get dinner,â€ said Hoshi.

â€œIâ€™ll see you soon,â€ said Malcolm, moving off.

Hoshi entered her quarters and looked at the PADD again. Smiling to herself, she completed an entry form and submitted it via her console.

After all, thought Hoshi, who knows what could happen?

****


End file.
